Cold hands, warm shart.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
