What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
