If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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