Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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