I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
