bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Be still, my beating vagina.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
