I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
