I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
how does that bad decision feel?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
