Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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