I feel great
I just peed on a car
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
