New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
