i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
