I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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