Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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