Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
