I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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