Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
