Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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