he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
