checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
