I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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