A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
