Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
