She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
