y did u give ur computer a hand job?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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