Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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