fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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