I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
