I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
