He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
