I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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