wakey wakey hands off snakey
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
