ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
