tell your sister to shave her snatch
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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