the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
