There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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