need another drink. this is the easiest way
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
