I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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