My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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