from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
