guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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