thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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