So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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