i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
