Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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