It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
