turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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