I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
