Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
