I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
